The lost art of art

Nearly a week ago now me and James went on a long walk around Edinburgh, taking in some sights I never knew even existed. Such is the nature of Edinburgh; you can uncover something new every time you go for a walk. On this occasion it was a really nice portion of the Water of Leith walkway that headed in the direction of Murrayfield stadium. It would have gone on for miles out of Edinburgh if we followed it to the end so we ducked out fairly early. We ended up next to the Gallery of Modern Art and rather than do the sensible thing we foolishly went in just to see what it was all about.

The first thing of note we saw in this place was a three storey wall painted white with black self adhesive letters spelling out random peoples names. The columns didn't match up, as if it were a work in progress or something. Riveting stuff as you can imagine. I can just see people looking at this trying to find the deeper meaning. After all something so devoid of any point is obviously trying to convey something profound. "Gee it must be trying to show a loss of indivuality by implying we are all just names in a huge directory." I don't know if my fake analysis was any good but I imagine analysing in this manner is the only way to pretend modern art isn't on the whole a load of crap.

The next thing of note we saw was a portable bar complete with toilets stuck on the sides. To be honest I don't see the point other than it maybe being fun to own a bar you can just attach to the back of your car and drive around with. Actually I'd rather just go to a real pub. We also saw a giant onion slicer. Apparently the "artist" was from Palestine and wanted to show suppression and control through it. What I saw was something that would have been fun to stick something in and slice it, which I could have done if there wasn't CCTV in the room.

One of the notable lowlights of this experience was the film room. These two short films consisted of footage of the Glasgow Uni library, and of some town in Mexico. And that was it. At this point I wasn't even interested in pretending to analyse them. The lirbary film was supposedly based on a nightmare the "artist" had set in that very library. Sounds fun doesn't it but all it was was her filming people studying and going up elevators and out the door. What a dull nightmare. Although maybe she hates studying just as much as I do. My empathy does not extend to calling it art though.

We then saw the most ridiculous thing we had seen yet. In one of the rooms, there was hanging from the ceiling four sheets of cellophane, sellotaped together and badly painted in the bottom tenth of the the whole thing. I can't even remember what the description was apart from where it said about the use of "vibrant colour." It was washed out pink with a few haphazard splats of blue, yellow and red. Me and James's brains haven't ever really recovered from the radioactive stupidity in that room. A child at primary school wouldn't get away with this quality of work past P3. I could stitch this up in twenty minutes. I can't believe for one second this "artist" has represented Scotland in something. But as the "critics" would have you think, this is the whole point. You are supposed to be evoked in this way. We are supposed to ask why she took such an approach.

Last thing we saw before we agreed it was time to get the hell out, was an inflatable caterpillar kiddies garden toy hanging from the ceiling. Yes, because true art is going to Toys R Us, buying something already completely finished, and adding your own siginificant contribution by putting it in a room. It really was time to go.

The "critics" will say I'm missing the point with modern art. To me, art is where a talented painter or sculptor uses their talent to recreate an image such as a portrait or a scene from history or mythology, and all that is required is for us to say "that's a nice painting. That's good isn't it?" Modern art is the only one where you really have to find a profound interpretation to compensate for nothing at all. Thinking and analysing is great and all but these "artists" want you to do it because it means they don't have to expend effort on a piece or spend years cultivating a talent.

I'm going to do my own modern art piece to mock modern art in general, and see if they accept it in this gallery. I'm going to buy a few buckets of green toy soldiers, you know the ones, and glue them all together into the shape of one big soldier. Then I'll come up with some daft story about how together these soldiers are stronger as one, and drop it off at the gallery.

Why do I have the distinct feeling they'll see my "art" for exactly what it is and tell me to piss off, while continuing to hang that cellophane up?